It's been a long time since I have written something in this blog and I don't even know why. Maybe it is the lack of appropriate words to express my thoughts and feelings or even maybe I really don't have anything to say at the moment and no matter how hard I try to update it my entries just remain unfinished and left abandoned as drafts. In some reasons and even if I know I am not as good as others in sharing and speaking about God's love, I had considered having this blog as a way for me to minister and proclaim what His love has done for me. But lately I just don't know what happened and honestly even visiting the blogger homepage made me guilty and ashamed of being weak...I had allowed myself to waste my time playing online games just to avoid having deep thoughts and to avoid facing some negative emotions that I know won't do any good for me. I decided to be "casual" with God for some time because I know I'll have to face my mistakes once I started to have a sincere talk with Him. Pride? Maybe..but it is more of I can't forgive myself for not listening or for misinterpreting God's plans for me. It is like how come you can't practice what you have preached or how come you suddenly became so weak when you have once said that nothing can change your faith. Oh yeah..that's pride. Plus let's add up envy. I am not ashamed to admit that I feel envious to my batch mates who will be graduating this month. I am happy for my friends but I hate being envious to them. Then suddenly I'll realize that MAYBE if I hadn't done anything..MAYBE if I didn't misinterpreted God and MAYBE if I listened carefully none of these things will happen. MAYBE. Maybe because I know I had asked Him a couple of times for a signal of GO or a hindrance to my decisions. I also want to quote something from the message of my friend, Phoebe Cruz, that made me somehow relieved..."whatever decisions you've made I'm sure He had good reasons why He made it happen..Trust Him."
I still don't know what are His reasons for me to experience this but I believe that one of it is to teach me how to forgive. I know that I can easily forgive people but I really find it hard to forgive myself. Last Saturday I attended a seminar about Growth and one of the topics was to learn how to forgive. The minister shared that the person that we find most difficult to forgive is our selves and I truly agree with him. I really find it hard to forgive myself over things that I should and shouldn't have done.
Lately, I know I've been really chicken to hide and run away when all I have to do is call on Jesus and surely He will comfort me and rescue me. Surely through Jesus and because of His love for me this negative feelings will soon be washed away.