Monday, January 11, 2010

Thoughts of Who I Want to Be

Last Sunday, a priest came to give a talk on our church about the priesthood life. He shared that he was an engineer for 10 years but decided to fast and pray about the thought of taking the life as a Passionist Priest because he can still feel emptiness despite of the good salary from his job, a good life outside the priesthood vocation. It was inspiring.

I can also feel emptiness sometimes but it ends after a good service at prayer meetings, church and serving other people. I often say this; I love God so much, I think it overflows, that I want to share it with other people. I had shared this with a missionary priest who decided to be a hermit, he lived in a cave of a hill for 3 months. I want to do that too. Anyway, he said that I should live my life, serve God in whatever ways I can, finish my studies and decide in the future if I want to be a nun. I was disappointed. If he had open a window for me to be a nun that time, I'd take it immediately without praying for it. That's not right.

I want to be a wife and have kids. I want to take care of my own family and serve God by being a nurse and a wife. I love my future husband, whoever he is, and children.

I also love the work of the nurses. I was able to be in the field for about 2 years, a year as a community student nurse and a year as a hospital SN, and I love it. I love being with the poorest of poor communities. It made me grateful of the life that God had chosen for me to live and at the same time it has allowed me to share what I have. It was also a reminder for me that my problems and concerns are nothing compared to what they lack. They don't have food, I worry about my weight. They don't have clothes, I worry if I look good enough for the guy I like. They don't have much, but my presence and little presents can paint smiles on their faces. I want to do more for those kinds of people.

Moreover, the hospital scene always makes me thankful that I am the one who is giving care. It encourages me to give my best; I have the privilege, I am bless to be healthy. I am bless to be the one giving.

However, there's also a part of me who wants to devout my time in prayer and with people and nothing for myself. I think God had already been good to me, giving me the chance to do earthly things. I don't know. It's an on and off desire.

I just pray that because I want to be a wife, that He'll give me a good man who will allow me to pray and let go of myself when I am in prayer. I pray that He'll give me a good man who will pray with and for me. I pray that His plans for me will become clear and my desires will be what He wants for me.

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4 comments:

Anders W. Ellingsen said...

You are a reflection of His love! You are a candle light! Now: Before the light was lit the candle was a bit afraid of the fire. But after being lit nothing is as joyful to the candle as lightening. Tihi! The light can temporarily be pulled out. But if so it does not take long time before the candle light longs for the fire again. Once burned the soul of the candle light will never be the same. :-)

You are beautiful. Have a nice day.

Anders W. Ellingsen said...

What you describe is a cross. Tihi! It is a conflict between being ethical and morale. :-)

Anders W. Ellingsen said...

YOU

You are clever, you are bright,
by The Lord a shining light.
You are some to heart and head.
Now go out and knock ‘em dead!

:-)

Anders W. Ellingsen said...

GRACE

A weekend of the finest sort
I wish you. Let it be a port
by which a death and birth takes place,
the week to end and start with grace!

:-)