Lately my subway ride at night is becoming so painful to take. My usual 45mins to an hour travel became 2 hours because of all the construction that they're doing. It's annoying because I can't tell what time is the the best time to go home and often times they don't announce what's going on and how long should we wait. I don't have phone service in the train. I don't have games in my phone. Sometimes, I don't have anything to read or eat.
Last Friday night was the worst, I have to be in the train for 2 1/2 hours. I tried a different route because I thought I was smart. Somebody finally announced something but we can't understand him/her. I started to be mindful of my feelings. I reminded myself to be patient. I took a deep breath and looked around. Somebody was punching the door, a lot were already exchanging their opinions, somebody peed in the train, somebody inhaled her asthma spray, somebody was there sitting as if we don't have to wait for a long time reading a book and myself observing everybody.
I was screaming "i'm better than all of you, sucker! I'm so patient! bwahahaha! Watch me because I'm so cool." Then I sat there being so calm and released my frustrations with a sigh, checked the time and bam! that was only 2 minutes. I kept reminding myself that the train will not move even if I get mad. I just have to be still. "Be still!", I screamed. Fixed myself and asked, "Are you still now?".
If you know me and if you've been following my journey. God has been teaching me how to be patient and to learn how to be still. I am very impatient. I pray the "Lord please make me patient now!" prayer all the time. Lately, I thought I was already being patient but the truth is I am just being indifferent. I try to suppress all my desires so I can pretend that I am patient.
"Patience is not indifference; patience conveys the idea
of an immensely strong rock withstanding all onslaughts."
My very special friend describes me as patient. I know I am patient if waiting means that I am in control of things and waiting is a choice that I willingly make. The kind of patience that God is teaching me is the one that requires me to be still in a place; to move in a pace that He wants me to; to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I couldn't change my speed for me to get there faster; to let go of my fears in facing uncertainty; and to just breathe and enjoy where I am.
God seldom does great things in a hurry.
So my prayer is this...
Lord, have your way. Tame me. Give me the strength that I need to calm down my thoughts and fears. Hold me so tight. I feel like a dog with a leash barking on something, trying to be free and pulling You because I want to go to that something that caught my eye. Please don't let go of me. I know I'm stubborn but I still want to go to where You are going. Amen. =)