Thursday, January 28, 2010

Fear of the Unknown

3:49 PM 4 Comments
Are you eager to know your future? Have you tried fortune telling?

I am and I had. When I was still in the Philippines, my friends and I went to a not-so-old fortune teller, who is also a Christian and I think she had a dream before she "learned" that ability, to know our future. It was nothing serious, we just wanna try. But in fairness to her, what she said about my past, present and future, which is now my present, are all true. I didn't mind the things that she said about my future but I was blown away when she knew and started telling me things about my personal spiritual battle against the enemy.

Before, I went to a fortune teller out of curiosity but yesterday I asked my friend to go there, be my proxy and know my future because I am impatient, worried and anxious. {-_-} teeeheee.. I know, I know. My action shows that I don't trust God. That's why, just a while ago, He scolded/reminded me and His scolding actually made me happy.

Happy because He's there, He can see me and He cares for me. I feel like a child who intentionally does wrong and smile whenever their parents notice and scold them; even though in my case it wasn't intentional but to be scolded by God makes me smile, to be scolded by Him gives me comfort. He scolded/reminded me; I can feel His love. I actually don't have any plans to write an entry today because I have to study for an exam. However, His message for me is something that I really want to share. I am still amaze how He uses my Bible to tell me something.

He gave me Psalm 23.

He said, "To prepare for tomorrow, trust Jesus today."

And in Deuteronomy 18:10-12 He said, "Never sacrifice your son or daughter as a burnt offering. And do not let your people practice fortune-telling or sorcery, or allow them to interpret omens, or engage in witchcraft, or cast spells, or function as mediums or psychics, or call forth the spirits of the dead. Anyone who does these things is an object of horror and disgust to the LORD. It is because the other nations have done these things that the LORD your God will drive them out ahead of you. You must be blameless before the LORD your God. The people you are about to displace consult with sorcerers and fortune-tellers, but the LORD your God forbids you to do such things."

I am not ashamed to admit and share that He just scolded/reminded me. ^_^ I do wrong things but I am confident that I will never be separated from Him. He loves me, I am His daughter.

I consult the Bible and ask Him for signs in almost everything I do. Just almost because there are times that I abruptly decide for something without praying for it. Just almost because like yesterday, instead of praying and talking to Him about my anxieties, I turned to other people. Just almost because I still have my weak moments.

So there, He told me to trust Him and my future will surely be fine.

However, I still have some questions. Are all fortune tellers bad? Not bad as in bad but can we not consider some of them as God's instruments? How about if they are also Christians? The fortune teller that I went to is a Christian, she prays and prayed before she started reading the cards. She didn't use tarot cards, just ordinary playing cards.

In my opinion, I believe that it is only Him who can tell that this one's bad and that one's okay. Not just about fortune tellers but in general. I believe that in everything that we do, may it be good or bad in our eyes, it is only Him who can tell if it is right or wrong because He's the only one who can truly know what's in our heart and our intention for doing things. In my case, I was wrong, my intention was wrong, that's why He reminded me that I have to trust Him.

He prepared the table for me. He is my Shepherd and only provider. I should, I should and I will stop worrying.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

You Are Mine

8:56 AM 3 Comments
It's been a tough week; been sad, disappointed, cried and got confused. Thank God for my family, my community, my friends, for somebody's faith, the Bible, the worship service last Friday, the sharing during the service and the mass today, my Spirit has been lifted.

We sang "You Are Mine" during the mass this morning, that's my favorite song especially when I'm down. It reminds me of His great love. It gives me comfort and tells me that everything will be ok. It brought tears to my eyes but this time it's not because I was asking Him why; but it was because I am grateful to know that He sees my pain. He can see the pain that I had created for my self; the pain that's from my pride, from being stubborn and being impatient.

God is great and amazing. Things may not be well but I know I'll eventually reach the end of this tunnel because I have Him as my light and strength.

You are Mine

I will come to you in the silence
I will lift you from all your fear
You will hear My voice
I claim you as My choice
Be still, and know I am near

I am hope for all who are hopeless
I am eyes for all who long to see
In the shadows of the night,
I will be your light
Come and rest in Me

Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am strength for all the despairing
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free
And all will know My name

Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name, embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk, and live

Do not be afraid, I am with you
I have called you each by name
Come and follow Me
I will bring you home
I love you and you are mine

Monday, January 11, 2010

Thoughts of Who I Want to Be

7:51 AM 4 Comments
Last Sunday, a priest came to give a talk on our church about the priesthood life. He shared that he was an engineer for 10 years but decided to fast and pray about the thought of taking the life as a Passionist Priest because he can still feel emptiness despite of the good salary from his job, a good life outside the priesthood vocation. It was inspiring.

I can also feel emptiness sometimes but it ends after a good service at prayer meetings, church and serving other people. I often say this; I love God so much, I think it overflows, that I want to share it with other people. I had shared this with a missionary priest who decided to be a hermit, he lived in a cave of a hill for 3 months. I want to do that too. Anyway, he said that I should live my life, serve God in whatever ways I can, finish my studies and decide in the future if I want to be a nun. I was disappointed. If he had open a window for me to be a nun that time, I'd take it immediately without praying for it. That's not right.

I want to be a wife and have kids. I want to take care of my own family and serve God by being a nurse and a wife. I love my future husband, whoever he is, and children.

I also love the work of the nurses. I was able to be in the field for about 2 years, a year as a community student nurse and a year as a hospital SN, and I love it. I love being with the poorest of poor communities. It made me grateful of the life that God had chosen for me to live and at the same time it has allowed me to share what I have. It was also a reminder for me that my problems and concerns are nothing compared to what they lack. They don't have food, I worry about my weight. They don't have clothes, I worry if I look good enough for the guy I like. They don't have much, but my presence and little presents can paint smiles on their faces. I want to do more for those kinds of people.

Moreover, the hospital scene always makes me thankful that I am the one who is giving care. It encourages me to give my best; I have the privilege, I am bless to be healthy. I am bless to be the one giving.

However, there's also a part of me who wants to devout my time in prayer and with people and nothing for myself. I think God had already been good to me, giving me the chance to do earthly things. I don't know. It's an on and off desire.

I just pray that because I want to be a wife, that He'll give me a good man who will allow me to pray and let go of myself when I am in prayer. I pray that He'll give me a good man who will pray with and for me. I pray that His plans for me will become clear and my desires will be what He wants for me.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Light Bulb Prayers

6:39 PM 6 Comments
As I was sitting and waiting for the mass to start last Sunday, I was bothered by the fact that I can't concentrate. It's not that my mind is wandering but I felt like I don't know what to pray and where to start. I got annoyed with my own prayers for my self to God. I've been constantly repeating my prayers; it's full of words with no heart. And honestly, it's been a while since I had devoted a whole period of praying time for other people.

So there, I sat staring at the Christmas tree with its lights. I was still and that's when I remembered this story:

"I like to play with the stars," a little girl told her pastor one day when he came to visit her. She was confined to bed because of a severe spinal deformity, and her bed was positioned so that she had a good view of the sky. She wanted it that way so she could see the stars. "I wake up a lot at night and can't get back to sleep," she told the minister, "and that's when I play with the stars."

Her pastor, curious about what she meant by that, asked, "How do you play with the stars?" The child answered, "I pick out one and say, 'That's Mommy.' I see another and say, 'That's Daddy.' And I just keep on naming the stars after people and things I'm thankful for—my brothers and sisters, my doctor, my friends, my dog." And on and on she went, until at last she exclaimed, "But there just aren't enough stars to go around!"

The Christmas lights were just like stars and so I did the same thing. For every bulb I see, I thank God for giving me that someone in my life and then the prayer continuously flow for each and everyone of them.

I am sure, just like the kid, I'll say that there are no enough bulbs and definitely there wasn't enough time for me that moment because I have to help set up for the mass.

Surely the enemy doesn't want us to pray but I guess if we could have something like the stars, the Christmas light bulbs and the Rosary, maybe we will be less destructed. I actually find it easier because before, when I was just randomly thinking of people, my mind would sometimes go blank and I end up just thinking about them and not praying for them.

Here's more, when riding a train, for every person I see, I pray for them and a person I actually know. They're like beads. They help me stay focus. They help me think less of my self and I like it. Praying for my self actually shortens my praying time and my time with God, that's why I am glad I discovered a new way to help my self pray, because I want to talk to Him more. ^_^

Saturday, January 2, 2010

His Plans For Me

7:47 PM 2 Comments
When our dreams are shattered, how do we react?
Do we love God more than our own dreams?

These questions from Our Daily Bread made me want to reflect about my own dream and I know I have to blog it. Blogging helps me document my personal growth and walk with Christ, that's why I should blog my thoughts. At this moment I am just typing my free flowing thoughts about it, no plans whatsoever to where this reflecting will lead me.

Since the very beginning of this blog, I already shared my passion and dream of having nursing as a vocation. For me, it's a profession that follows the healing ministry of Jesus. I want to be an instrument of healing, physical healing and healing of the soul. I want to be an instrument to bring people closer to God, to be an instrument that will bring comfort and care to the sick and to serve them just like what Jesus did.

When I was younger, I wanted to become a teacher. However, I found out that nursing can also allow me to follow the teaching ministry of Jesus. So after I graduated from high school, I immediately took the college entrance exam to a nursing school of my choice. I only took one entrance exam because I knew what I wanted.

I started college 5 years ago and until now I am still in college. I left my old school with only a year left before I can graduate but I went back to school just this Fall semester. Right now in my present school, being able to graduate soon seems to be so hard to do; the tunnel is so much darker and longer. Before, I thought maybe my road into becoming a nurse is longer because my transformation and lessons are not just about how to be a nurse but also how to be a Christian.

I have to learn a lot of things. I have to learn how to give unconditional love and care, especially to those who are "impossible" to love. I have to learn how to control my emotions so that I can mindfully do things, critical thinking is needed in the hospital. And most of all, I have to make my own spirit healthy and strong.

Right now, I am trying to reach my dream of becoming a nurse. However, certain things should be followed and done before I can even start my clinicals. I'll know the results by January 13. I pray, please Lord, that I'll be able to finish my course. You know how much I wanted this...

This is what I wanted; but is this what You want for me Lord? Am I ready and willing to let go if You say no? I don't know but the thought of it is so painful. It hurts a lot, Lord.

It hurts and I don't want to think about it. All I know is that whenever it gets too painful, I can always ask You to take away the feeling.

Tell me what You want from me Lord and change my heart so I can understand and accept Your plans. I love You so much and I trust You but I am not gonna lie that if You don't want me to become a nurse, it will hurt me soooo bad. I am not gonna lie because You know it anyway. Just please hug me tighter and take away the pain if that will happen.

Lord I pray that You will always guide me and my plans. Jesus, I surrender to Your will.

My cherished plans may go astray,
My hopes may fade away;
But still I’ll trust my Lord to lead,
For He knows the way.

He's Always With Me

9:45 AM 2 Comments
2009 was a good year for me and that's because it was surely a roller coaster ride. It was a good year not only because I received so much blessings but also because amidst the trials that came, my faith is still very much alive. I cried so much last year because of my disappointments, confusion, impatience, doubts, fears and so much more negative feelings. However, it is so great to know that Jesus has always been there for me during those days.

For me, to have confidence about my own beliefs and a strong faith to our Lord are the best blessings I had ever received. A year is just too much to shake off someone's faith and I am glad my 2009 ended with my faith still intact. I often reflect about that thought-anytime of the day, something can happen that will change my relationship with God. I'm just glad that my relationship with HIM changed for the better. I'm so thankful that He gave me strength to face my trials last year and He twitched my heart to bring me back to His path every time I feel so down that I feel like doubting too much. I am grateful that when I had to face a problem, His love immediately took over my fear and worries.

Scottish mathematician, theologian, and preacher Thomas Chalmers (1780–1847) wrote:“When I walk by the wayside, He is along with me. When I enter into company, amid all my forgetfulness of Him, He never forgets me. . . . Go where I will, He tends me, and watches me, and cares for me.”

I still get weak at times and I still feel down but it's a great comfort to know that He's always there. He never forgets. He looks after me. Jesus loves me so much that He'll NEVER leave my side. He said, "Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go". —Genesis 28:15

Last year, I read from my previous post that I was afraid to face 2009 and I wasn't willing to leave 2008. Guess what? It's another blessing to be brave enough to face another year. It feels so great to be excited to let go and let God my life, my days and my years. It feels so great to be confident with His plans. I know He loves me so much and He only wants the best for me. I am in good hands. I had completely placed my life in My Father's Hands.

My 2009 was about complete surrender and learning to leave my failures, hurts and selfishness behind. I wonder what 2010 is all about; but one thing for sure, I am excited to live and enjoy every detail of it.

As I travel down life’s pathway,
Jesus keeps me day by day;
And although the road is winding,
Yet, with Him I need not stray.